The Eternal Search For Fulfillment
…and what I found on the way
“When I understand myself, I understand you, and out of that understanding comes love. Love is the missing factor; there is a lack of affection, of warmth in relationship; and because we lack that love, that tenderness, that generosity, that mercy in relationship, we escape into mass action which produces further confusion, further misery. We fill our hearts with blueprints for world reform and do not look to that one resolving factor which is love.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti
I used to be an entrepreneur-ess.
I started my first company at the age of 20, my second company at the age of 22. I wanted to make things different, rule the world, have endless fun, and make some money to have a great time traveling and inviting friends for leisure activities. And yes, we did have a great time. A tiny persons’ feeling of conquering the world. Looking back, I still believe that regarding the external world I had it all: I lived in one of the most sought-after places in the world, had a chosen family of amazing, fun and smart friends, had a wonderful business-partner, a dog I loved, a loving long-term relationship with an attractive and interesting man, spent my day doing what I loved and was invited to the most incredible events and parties one can only dream of. I was in love with my life. For me, it was just perfect.
I lived this perfect life from age 19 to age 26. A major part of the year I worked super hard yet loved every second of it, the other months I traveled to India, meditating in Ashrams, meeting gurus, and growing spiritually. For me, this was a balanced lifestyle. Yet somehow, deep inside of me, sitting in Meditation and experiencing the peace that was inside of me, I knew that one day my life would turn around and I would dedicate myself solely to a spiritual purpose.
After having achieved everything I had dreamed of a nagging voice inside of me started to manifest itself. In the beginning, it appeared randomly, but over time it started to get louder and louder…until one day I could not ignore it anymore. I knew that something needed to change. Being focused on the external, I concluded that I needed to change my life. Maybe I needed a new challenge. So I dropped my so-very-perfect-life, left my friends, my businesses, my business partner, and started all over again in a different city in a different country. A start from scratch.
It was hard.
To be honest, it was one of the hardest things I had experienced so far in my life´s journey. Suddenly I was a nobody. No friends, living in a strange society, no fame, no fortune. I decided to study, went back to school, a journey from the VIP villa party to being one of many. My earlier confidence built on external factors started to stumble and shrink. Everyone around me seemed to be younger and more talented than me. I fell into a hole. I was confronted with a different reality, and suddenly life was hard. I was crying a lot, missing my home, my friends, my lifestyle.
Yet somehow I was stubborn enough to proceed. The years of study were one of the most difficult of my life. Yet they were the beginning of the journey towards my inner self, my true spiritual path. Nowadays I have learned to know that we oftentimes evolve and grow through hardships.
I went through a stark transition from a life focused on experiences of highs and joys, to a serious, deep, inner journey, aiming to be free from all kind of attachments to wellbeing or happy experiences.
It was suffering that very slowly brought me closer to myself and my heart. Nowadays, looking back, the shift that happened has been immense. I transited from pleasure addiction to a quiet and humble life, knowing that everything is fleeting in this world.
Now I know that nothing from this material world will ever satisfy my hunger for truth and fulfillment.
I might have changed a lot since then, yet the issues I am working on within myself are still the same as 10 years ago. I am finding out that deep inner transformation takes time, practice, and patience.
If you would have asked me 12 years ago if I loved myself I would have answered confidently and smilingly with a “Yes”!
Now I know, that true self-love is a very long journey and that I am somewhere in the middle of the trip.
“The youth is lost to the young”- my husband always says. When I was in my twenties I used to be so confident and knew so many things about life. Maybe that´s what he points to with that quote. Nowadays I am oftentimes lost and confused, thinking that I do not know a thing about this mystery which we call life.
I don´t know who I am and why I am here.
Yet I know, that somewhere deep inside of me there is peace and eternal love. And I know for sure that everything always changes. Hours of Meditation have taught me so. I know that I carry all the solutions and answers to my questions inside of me and that I have to be still and to listen to perceive them.
“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
― J. Krishnamurti
This world is crazy. We are all so blinded by the appearing phenomenas that we lose touch with ourselves and with what really matters. This physical life is passing like a blink of an eye and the stories in the world are and will always change infinitely.
Let’s use these extraordinary times where world-events and politicians are forcing so many of us to change to look within ourselves for what is real. Let’s not be blinded by our fears. Death is certain for all of us. Every milli-second uncountable pieces of our body are dying. Death is part of life, or life is part of death. Let us not be afraid of life, but embrace life with all its happenings.
I do not have all the answers.
Most of the time I have no idea of what is really going on. The most precious things that I have learned are not-knowing, trust, and surrender. One of my biggest challenges is letting go of control and the wanting to understand… yet I feel that this is the closest I have ever lived to the truth.
Being authentic to myself in these times is a challenge worth-while living for.
I have not found lasting fulfillment. But I know that life is made up of uncountable moments and that contentment comes from being able to openly receive life as it is without objecting. For me, this is what the Yogis call non-attachment. A brave jump into life, never losing the connection with our essence, embracing all the things as they are. This is my sadhana, my spiritual practice. Every day. Over and over.
